The Erotic Awakening of Bella Swan
by The EB's
Summary: Old lusty loins Bella makes her way through each of the Twiguys in this Smutty Crackfic/Smackfic on the path to true love. Lemons and everything else that warrants an M rating. Multiple Authors
1. Conquest One: Jacob

**Chapter author: Reijilie**

**A/N: **So this story was inspired by the lovely Lauren Jane. I know it's not exactly what you pictured but the EBs and I took the idea and ran with it to a dirty crackhouse down the road. Spill stood on a used syringe but we took her to the hospital and whatever she got from it she already had so it all ended happily.

Oh, there will be a new Twiguy in each chap as well as a different author. Enjoy the smutty/crackness that we like to call a 'smackfic'. Mwahahahhaha ;D

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Bella found herself squashed against the wall in Jakes child sized bed. She tried to encourage his enormous and muscular frame to give her some space but when he didn't budge she gave in, resigning herself to stretch out and lay on top of the wet patch.

"So" she started "...That was sex."

"Yup." Jake replied, fairly satisfied with himself.

"Are you sure we did that right?"

"I'm sixteen Bella. I have no idea. I'm not used to two people being involved."

"I keep forgetting because you look so much older."

"Oh Bella, that's just so the cougars can justify the growing arthritis in their wrists as they wack off to pictures of my illegal body on Google images"

"Makes sense. So…Am I supposed to have this crippling pain in my neck from the jack hammering action you were using as you ploughed into me?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"And it really only lasts a minute and a half?"

"Totally. And I'm supposed to shoot a load when you take off your clothes too. That's so normal, you have no idea."

"Okay, cool. 'Cept, I don't think I had an...an....org...an org....an orggg" she stuttered awkwardly.

"_Orgas_m? Why the fuck can't you say orgasm?"

"Holy crow, I don't know! It just won't come out"

"You crazy bitch. We need a code word for it since you're incapable of saying filth and yet cool with letting me fuck your scrawny ass sideways."

"Well...there is a word, or a phrase rather, that makes me moist every time I hear it."

"And that is?"

Her rabbit's teeth bit playfully at her bottom lip as she closed her eyes and whispered the words slowly.

"Harry. Clearwater's. Famous. Fish. Fry"

She ran a hand through her matted, flat brown hair as her back arched upwards. Letting out a small moan, she wrapped her hand around the back of Jakes neck and pulled him into her.

"I want you to eat me until I've had some of Harry's famous fish fry."

Her hips writhed in anticipation as Jake recoiled in disgust.

"I'm not going down there, I just came in you and because this is a fanfiction I felt no need to wear a condom."

Bella moved onto her knees and began to straddle Jakes insanely amazing eight-pack of magical hotness.

"I want you to shoot some of Harry's special sauce in my mouth Jake. I want to taste the hot, salty goodness."

Jake leapt out of the bed, discarding Bella as easily as Summit discarded Rachelle LeFevre. He grabbed a pair of cut off sweats (because that's how he rolls) and whipped them on.

"I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about but you've made me go limp so nice work."

"But, but, you LOVE me. All this time when I was being a horrible cock teasing bitch, you wanted me! Now that I give it up you're done?"

"Look, I'll level with you. Straight up, I just wanted to get in Leah's pants but she said she doesn't do virgins. Well, now she'll finally do me and I'm gonna hit that hot ass so hard she'll be screaming out for this big daddy's fish fry."

Bella was outraged. Fury burned in her otherwise dead eyes.

"Well I'm going to fu...fu...fuc, ah holy crow, I'm gong to fuuuu...I'M GOING TO SEX ME EVERY AVALIBLE MAN IN FORKS AND LA PUSH UNTIL I FIND MY TRUE SOUL MATE SO SUCK ON THAT JACOB BLACK."

"Whatever." Jake shrugged. "Good luck with that."

"I'm going to find someone who knows what foreplay is. Clit punching and all."

"You mean Clit _pinching_ Bella."

"I know what I mean, and you're such a child Jacob. I don't know why I let you screw me in your single bed while your dad sat in the living room across from your open door and played some sort of hand game under the blanket draped across his lap."

By the time Bella tore her eyes off of Billy, Jake had jumped out of the window on his way to the Clearwater's house.

_Time for the next victim_ She thought to herself as she made her way past a strangely exhausted Billy and into her hideous red truck.

Her next destination? Forks. And she knew just who would give it up for her...


	2. Conquest Two: Mike

**Chapter Author: Scarlett **

**A/N: **So here it is Bella's next conquest! Mike Newton, now if any of you know the EB's you know we never keep him alive very long! Will he survive a good old banging from Bella? I would like to dedicate this chapter to my fellow EB's for allowing me kill Mike whenever I feel like it! I air hump you all!

This one is also for Waffle! 

**Chapter 2 **

**Mike Newton**

Since her activity with Jacob last night Bella had been anxious to get back on the horse so to speak, she had already decided to target the boys at her High School. Mike Newton seemed like a good choice but there was a slight problem with that. She had overheard some girls in her history class saying that Mike liked bush. She wasn't sure if they meant the former President or a super hairy vag but she took it as the latter and that put tonight's plan of seduction on hold.

She went straight home and straight to her computer to do some research. She found exactly what she was looking for 'Big Boys Boning the Big Bush'.. Bella clicked play. Within 3 seconds she had her head cocked to the side and her mouth had hit the floor.

4 weeks later.

Bella stood in front of her mirror back combing her _hair_ while examining the print screen on her computer. _Ah it's just about the right length.. Now what to wear? _ Bella thought to herself while scanning her wardrobe. She wanted something with ease of access but there was nothing, that idiot Stephenie Meyer had filled her wardrobe full of _khaki-cant-fuck-until-your-married-cause-you- look-like-your-on-a-permanent-safari _outfits, so Bella made do. She took a pair of scissors and sluttified her khaki. She headed to her car/truck/wagon -whatever equipped with her new _khaki-cant-fuck-until-your-married-cause-you -look-like-your-on-a-permanent-safari-gang-bang_, outfit and her newly discovered porn moves, which she had practiced on her pillow.

As she pulled up to Newton's place, I can't remember the name of the store. She took a deep breath and teased her vag fro one last time. She had opted not to wear knickers for ease and the breeze, she had found over the past few weeks that having a big hairy bush was not only somewhat itchy but it also got a little heated so the breeze was essential for freshness. Screaming out fish fry was one thing but having your fandang smell like one was another.

Once she was satisfied she made her way to the front door practicing her slut strut just like the one in her porn film. _Perfection Mike won't know what hit him. _ She entered the store and began scanning the isles to make sure they were alone. They were. She saw mike sitting at the cashier's desk eating what seemed like waffles. He had half left. _I hope he's still hungry... I've got something for him to eat. _Bella thought as she slut strutted straight up to him. Her skirt was so short you could see a tuft of her vag fro. Mike had clocked it too and sat straight up eyes glued to her crotch.

"H...H...H... Hey there B.. B... Bella" Mike stuttered.. He felt his crotch area man a tent.

"Hey Mike, ya know I heard an interesting rumour about you a few weeks ago... "Bella got closer and leaned into his ear whispering... "I heard you like bush... Big, big bush"

Mikes pants were about ready to explode. He began to talk but was interrupted when Bella pushed him off his chair to the ground whipping his pants off and straddled him like a bull rider, the half waffle on the counter went flying landing on Mikes head.

It only lasted several seconds before Mike completely exploded all over Bella's leg.

"Mike NO!!! Jesus I didn't even get to FISH FRY!... Its ok we can try something else! I saw it on this movie, you have to eat my like your waffle!"

Before Mike had a chance to answer, Bella had sat on his face and was screaming "EAT ME! EAT ME! EAT MY HAIRY FANDANG MIKE! YOU LOVE THE BUSH!! EAT MY BUUUUUUUUSH"

So Mike began to eat Bella and within a few mere moments Bella began to get excited and began bouncing up and down on Mikes face thinking she was about to reach her Harry Clearwater's Fish Fry.

Suddenly Mike stopped.

Bella stopped bouncing.

"Mike?" Bella lifted her big hairy bush from Mikes face and looked down.

He glared back up at her, eyes frozen, his mouth open and tongue out. He had some hair in his teeth and his face looked like a glazed doughnut.

Bella slapped him thinking he may have gone into shock.

"MIKE!.. Why the fuck did you stop? That's goddamn rude, you pathetic loser!" Bella getting angry that she still had not managed to reach her Fish Fry; punched him in the crotch.

Mike remained unmoved.

"I grew a god damn lady garden for you! I can't believe you're just going to ignore me! You're not even acknowledging that I'm still here... WELL FUCK YOU MIKE NEWTON!.. FUCK YOU! I'M GOING TO FIND SOMEONE WHO APPRECIATES MY FULL HEAD OF HAIR!"

Bella stood up, punched Mike in the head and watched the now soggy waffle slide from his head on to the floor.

"You're pathetic"

As she got to her car/bus/truck – whatever, she went to step inside when she felt something fall out of her onto the floor. It was a piece of waffle. _Eww. ___Discarding it like _that_ didn't just happen, Bella drove home thinking about who she would 'do' next. _ I will reach my fish fry if it's the last thing I fucking do! _

Inside the Newton's place, which I still can't remember the name of, Mike still lay behind the cashier's desk... not breathing... but looking happy and glazed.


	3. Conquest Three: Emmett

**A/N: This is for all of you that have ever wondered what Emmett's doing when he's not kicking ass. Thanks to Rei for starting this amazing story, and to Scar for killing off Mike so early on, and to all the EBs cause IFLYGs!!!**

**Chapter 3**

**Emmett Cullen**

As she stumbled out of the Newton's store, Bella was on a mission – Fish Fry or Bust. Ole Glaze Face Newton had gotten her all worked up, but fell short of delivering the Fish Fry fulfillment she so desperately wanted. But Bella Swan was not discouraged. Lucky for her, there seemed to be a disproportionate amount of hot men in Forks, despite the town's small population. So she had plenty of choices and surely she could find someone to satisfy her. But after her double strike-out of disappointment, she was ready for a sure thing. This determination led her to the Cullen house, with her mind set on bedding the biggest, manliest Cullen of them all, Emmett.

Sure his girlfriend's supposedly the most beautiful girl in the world, but can she cock an eyebrow like this? Bella thought to herself smugly.

But a few hours later, as Emmett Cullen's hot breath beat down on her face, Bella couldn't help but wonder if she'd made an awful mistake. She knew from the second she saw him naked, his puny nub dangly sadly in front of her, that this might not be all she'd hoped for. Turns out not every part of ole Em's anatomy is overgrown and large. No wonder Rosalie was always in such a foul mood.

But Bella's loins continued to burn with desire, so she did what any fully aroused, sexually frustrated girl would do – she jumped him. It started off promising enough, with her bouncing up and down on his lap, happily working towards her fish fry happy ending. But Bella's lack of rhythm and clumsy awkwardness, combined with Emmett's lack of endowment meant that he kept slipping out of her. When he'd finally had enough, he jumped to his feet with her still straddling him, and slammed her back into the wall and pounded away. The movement was jarring and Bella wasn't quite sure he was even entering her as all the jack-hammer movement had made her a bit delirious.

After a few more grinds into the wall, Emmett threw her onto the bed and pounced on her. Bella found it hard to breath and he seemed to be making some sort of bizarre grunting noise with each thrust. She felt like she was being fucked by a grizzly bear.

So there she was, drops of Emmett's sweat falling down her face, his massive body pumping into her. Poor Bella didn't think she'd ever get her fish fry this way.

Suddenly Emmett raised up and Bella was almost certain she heard him mumble something about her face being a distraction. Then, seeming to exert little effort, he tossed her over onto her stomach. She looked up, shocked, and started to turn back around. He grabbed her ass with both hands and steadied her as he got into position.

"Are you ready, sweet thing?" he asked.

"Wha-?"

With a swift thrust, Emmett slammed himself into her, sending her head crashing into the headboard.

"Ow!" Bella called out, grabbing her head.

"Oh Jesus. You klutzy bitch, here," he said, grabbing each of her hands with one of his own. He smacked them onto the headboard, wrapping her fingers around the edge. "Now hold on," he said.

"Okay, big boy, just hurry up," she said in her sexiest voice, which was actually more of a stutter.

"Eww, don't ever say that again," he said, shuddering. Then he slapped her ass and began pounding away. With each pump, he grunted and moaned, holding tightly onto her hips.

Sadly, Bella could not feel his tiny manhood entering her. "What the fuck are you doing, Em? Are you gonna do it or not?" she asked. If he didn't do it soon, she was going to have to quite literally take things into her own hands.

"Do what?" Emmett asked breathlessly, mumbling "almost there, almost there," under his breath.

"I'm fucking ready, just slide it in already!" she begged.

Then suddenly Emmett's body jerked and convulsed.

"Ohhh, Esme," he moaned, pulling back from her and shooting his warm, sticky, manliness all over her backside.

"Did you just say Esme?" Bella demanded as she rolled herself over, disgusted.

"What? Um…uh…no…definitely not," he stammered.

"No, you definitely did," Bella insisted.

"Did not!" he said.

"Did too! Okay, fine what did you say then?" she countered.

"Ummmm…..I said Yesmee…" he offered lamely, unable to come with anything that rhymed with Esme.

The phone rang and interrupted their argument. Grateful for the distraction, Emmett lunged across the bed and grabbed the phone. His face filled with chagrin as he listened intently.

"I understand. I'll tell him," he said, and then hung up the phone.

"What is it?" Bella asked.

"There's been a disturbance at the Newton's store, Bella," he said softly.

"A disturbance?" she asked.

"It seems Mike was attacked by some type of animal," he explained.

"An animal?" she repeated dumbly.

"Yeah, apparently he was mauled. They said it's pretty gruesome. They found secretions and hair, but they haven't identified what kind of creature it was yet." He paused before continuing. "He's dead, Bella. Mike Newton is dead."

Bella was shaken, thinking poor Mike must have been attacked right after she'd left there.

"Anyway, they want Carlisle to go down and take a look at the body," Emmett said.

Emmett left to deliver the message to Carlisle, leaving Bella alone in his room. She quickly got over her concern for Mike, and went back to thinking about her mission. Her loins still afire, Bella wondered if any of the other Cullen boys would have been more satisfying in bed. She started to get dressed, but then realized she stank of Emmett, so she decided to take a quick rinse off in the shower before she left.

She lathered up, wondering who would be the one to help her find her Fish Fry. In a town like Forks, there were just so many possibilities.


	4. Conquest Four: Dave

**Chapter Author: LadyGAHGAH**

**A/N: **Hi *waves* So you're all probably wondering who Dave actually is? Well Dave is the bookstore guy in Port Angeles when Bella ditches Angela and Jess's formal shopping to go be a nerd. I thought he needed some recognition and so by the end of this is my chapter, you will NEVER forget who Dave is! Sorry if the sex bit fails to live up to your expectations. Trivial fact? I fail at sex.

Just like to thank SCAR for helping me come up with this sick, twisted shit (IFLY!) and to all the EBs coz you guys rule my life *hugs*

(Oh and if ANYONE finds out who plays "Dave" in Twilight the Movie or gets a photo/screencap of him, I will forever hump your leg!)

GahGah loves chuu xo

***

Bella walked into the door and took in the familiar site. The last time she was in this Port Angeles bookshop, she borrowed a book to learn about the vampahhhherrrs and what not, but today, she was here to borrow a book on a completely different subject. Earlier this morning, when the she switched on her Hello Kitty vibrator whilst watching Oprah, Bella had deliberated on her past sexual encounters with Jacob and Emmett and had an epiphany. What if the reason why she couldn't get fish fry wasn't because of her sexual counterparts but because there was something with HER!

Bella gasped at this revelation and examined the surrounding bookshelves. She was here to pursue one book and one book in particular. She walked in between the aisle, scanning the books to find the right section and at last she had found what she needed. There, above her head was the sign…

**X Rated 18+**

She walked into the aisle, trailing her finger tips along the numerous books on the shelf, until she came across the book that would either make or break her future fornications. She opened the book titled, 'How to get your Harry Clearwater's Fish Fry for sexually inactive vaginas' and started to immerse herself in the instructional diagrams and advice from the author, . With every page Bella turned, she found herself slowly lowering her right hand down below the rim of her khaki skirt (Ugly colour no? Blame SMeyer for that one), finding its way under the lining of her panties.

She heard footsteps coming from behind her, she abruptly yanked her right hand from her bush, swearing quietly to herself as the edge of her nail slices through her soft spot, and closes the manual. Since Bella is so fail at everything in life, she drops the manual on the floor but before it can be retrieved, a hand is already resting on the cover. Upon recognition, slight tugs twitch from the corners of Bella's mouth, forming into a smile. Bella's lip gloss brand? Hidden Incentives with a tinge of Whore.

"Hello Bella. Long time no see!" says Dave, picking the book up and glancing at the cover.

_Fuck. He saw the cover. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck … _

"Hi Dave," Bella answers in a tone of embarrassment.

Dave mischievously smiles, hinting at the cover.

"No please call me D," replied Dave or D.

_D as in Gossip Girl. What the fuck? Whatevs. As long as it gets me laid. _

"Alright D. Word on the street is, you've got the best dog style around P.A," asks Bella in a flirtatious tone, taking a step closer to D. She purposely rests her breasts on his voluptuous pecks.

"They don't call be 'Doggy Style D' for nothing," D boasts whilst peeking a glance down Bella's khaki singlet (Again, blame SMeyer). "And I hear, you're 'Bend over Bella' back in Forks!"

Bella doesn't know whether to take D's last remark as a compliment or insult, but aggressively pushes D into the X rated bookcase. Books start to fall around them and both D and Bella take turns, caressing and licking each other's flesh. Hormones intensify as items of shredded clothing have surrounded them as they both fight for a superior position. D slams Bella into the bookcase where it unsteadily shakes, he whispers in Bella's ear, "Doggy D wants some."

He impels Bella to the floor, not giving a shit about her feeble excuse for a 'body'. Bella lands on her hands and knees, aroused at the fact that she was finally going to get it. What she had longed for since the beginning of her existence. She was going to receive her Harry Clearwater's Fucking Fish Fry.

Bella could feel D's schtick submerging into her from behind. A sigh of relief escaped Bella's lungs for she was relieved his schtick was more plump and colossal than Emmett's. When it was fully inserted, Bella arched her back. The force of his schtick was all too powerful for Bella's flimsy body and she released a chesty moan whilst panting, ironically, like a dog.

The thrusting was a paramount force of nature that Bella was certain the bookstore, with each thrust, would crumble and disintegrate around them.

"Doggy D I want it NOW!" screamed Bella. The bitch getting impatient with every shove. She could feel the moment arise. It was there, with just one more thrust …

"FUCK!!!!!!!" shouts D.

Bella is startled by the aggressive tone in his voice. She no longer felt the impounding force.

"What the fuck?"Bella says to herself, slamming down her fist onto the carpeted floor. She was nearly there, at the pivotal moment, it was on the tip of his schtick.

"Why the fuck did you stop?" Bella yells and whips around to face D. The sudden jerk was sure to leave carpet burn on her knees. What she saw was the most terrifying thing she had ever seen in her life!

"WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. THAT?" Bella screams as she stares down, horrified at the road kill. It looked like the reincarnation of Ken doll's privates. There, in front of her, in all its glory, was D's schtick. Or rather, lack thereof.

Bella kneeled there. Frozen. Gaping at the site. She was bewildered.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR SCHTICK?" yells Bella, gesturing to the road kill that was once a site for sore loins.

"Well, you see…" D starts to explain while Bella is still kneeling there, unveiled.

"I was in an car accident a couple of years ago. Some shithead in a silver Volvo rammed into me. The bastard got away unscathed while I was left with," D swallows, "minor injuries."

_Minor injuries? How the fuck is THAT a minor injury?_

Bella was disorientated, still trying to take it all in and then it hit her.

"If you're all schtickless, WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU SHOVING INTO ME?" Bella jumped up. Her boobs jiggled at the sudden motion (and when I say jiggled, I mean swayed coz let's face it, she has no boobs). She didn't want any of this. Bella scurried the carpeted area, in search for her garments which were more like shredded material. She was hoping to make a quick exit.

"Wait, Bella. Stop! Let me explain." D reaches his hand out to Bella's shoulder but she disregards it.

"It WAS my schtick but it may have been…. a prosthetic one, more or less." D admits. "And it… may still be inside your fly trap," informs D, pointing to Bella's vag. Bella stops her scurrying and closes her eyes. She holds her breathe and exhales while she looks down in the direction of her vag. She opens her eyes one by one, and there, half sticking out, is a rainbow colored prosthetic SCHTICK!

"HOLY FUCK! WHAT THE… HOW THE… WHY THE FUCK IS IT STILL THERE?" Bella sobs, swearing to herself as to why she came to this bookstore in the first place. Bella picks up the remainder of her clothes and bails out. A kid sitting in the corner, trying to disguise a porno magazine sees Bella running, whilst failing to cover up herself.

_I just want my Harry Clearwater's goddamn fucking fish fry. _

Bella was out the door, tripping down the stairs and lands onto the gravel pavement. She runs, letting the wind flow through between both of her hairs spots. Whilst running, she tries to put on her skirt and singlet but fails. Something heavy lands on her foot. She glances down and screams as she kicks it to the side. She continues to run up the highway, not taking one glance back.

But there on the side of the road, under the welcome sign to Port Angeles rests her constant reminder of the unsuccessful shenanigans of Doggy D, 'How to get your Harry Clearwater's Fish Fry for sexually inactive vaginas.'


	5. Conquest Five: Mr Berty

**Chapter Author: TheNinjaWolf**

A/N: I feel slightly ashamed that Gin & I had the same idea about my chapter, but also a little bit warm and fuzzy. Not in my loins, in my heart.

I was so inspired by the previous chapters I've written this up in a jiffy! You guys are amazing and I'm honoured to be a part of this story.

* * *

**Chapter 5**

**Mr Berty**

After all these disastrous attempts at sexing in the town of Forks, Bella decided what she wanted was a real man. It had been a long week, and Friday's final school bell had just rung out. She was sitting in English class, starring blankly out of the window before she realised the entire class had left and she'd been left alone with Mr Berty.

Alone. With Mr Berty.

She felt the blood rise to her face and her skin become clammy. How often she had fantasised about him reading the words to Romeo and Juliet in her ear while she watched the Roman Polanski film of the same name, could there be anything sexier?

Without thinking twice she shouted "Fuck me Mr Berty!"

"Pardon?" Mr Berty replied.

Bella blushed and ducked down to pick up her school bag, feeling very ashamed, but as she rose she saw Mr Berty hovering above her like a creepy pervert.

"Two families, both alike in dignity…" he began, and Bella immediately ripped off her shirt to reveal her old white cotton training bra which had gone yellow with age. Her chest heaved in anticipation and Mr Berty began hastily undoing his belt.

Just then they heard a knock at the door. They stopped, panting, terrified of getting caught. Bella tried to hide underneath the desk but she was too late.

"Dear God!" came a shout from the man standing there. It was Mr Banner, Bella's science teacher. Feeling a sudden rush of adrenaline, Bella suddenly shouted "Fuck me Mr Banner!"

"Bella, I think you may have Tourette's" remarked a bewildered and sexually threatened Mr Berty.

Sensing his insecurity, Mr Banner reassured him "Don't worry Bertrand, I have a very tiny penis, you have nothing to worry about"

"Bertrand Berty?" enquired Bella

"Yes." Replied Mr Berty abruptly.

Bella was not sure why, but this ridiculous name made her wet. Then she realised what was happening. The prospect of doing two _real men_ at the same time was standing before her.

"So you'll spit-roast me? You really will?" Begged Bella

"I'm willing if he is" said Mr Banner "you're hotter than a Bunsen burner"

And with that the two teachers entered her from each end. Although Bella could barely feel Mr Banner's tiny penis in her vag, she was really turned on by the idea. Especially all the hot dirty talk Mr Banner was sending her way "I'm gonna fill you up like a beaker" and "feel my rock hard test tube in your test tube rack".

Mr Berty was not as sexually competent as she had hoped, but when he jizzed in her hair it was all worth it. It was unfortunate his jizz that smelt of brussel sprouts and 2 Minute Noodles.

Finally Bella Swan had a sexual experience she could be proud of. Not just one real man, but two real men at the same time!

She wanted more. She pushed down Mr Berty's sexy bald head. The head between her fingers was matted with a thick layer of sweat that infused with his hair gel, made him resemble a manky street dog. A HOT manky street dog.

"Give me my damn fish fry!" she screamed, pleased with herself for taking control.

She felt the bald head between her legs, followed by the sound of coughing and spluttering as Mr Berty gasped "Bella! Doesn't Mr Banner teach you about personal hygiene in Science? You're hairier than Robin Williams down there and it stinks like shit"

Embarrassed, Bella covered her crotch and cried.

"I forgot about that" she wept "I was trying to impress Mike Newton and I was taking Rogaine to make myself bushier"

"We've all been there!" chucked Mr Banner

Mr Berty laughed too. Then Bella laughed. It was like the ending of a Full House episode except a hell of a lot more fucked up.

"No seriously, give me my fish fry" Bella interrupted.

"Bella, I'm sorry but you're a dud lay" said Mr Banner "and I'm finding myself more aroused by Bertrand. He makes me wanna shove a microscope up my arse and repeat the periodic table over and over again, just like I used to do when I was a young man"

"That's hot" replied Mr Berty, pulling his pants up and attempting to fan himself with his hand. "What do you say we go back for mine for some Polanski and $3 Chardonnay?"

"I say that's the best thing I've heard today" Said Mr Banner, squeezing Mr Berty's saggy arse in his tight grip. The two of them departed together, growling at each other in anticipation.

Bella was flabbergasted. How this situation had backfired! Nonetheless, she was happy for the experience and decided that she'd gained more than she'd lost. _I'll be getting straight A's this year! _She thought to herself gleefully and went home to shower.


	6. Conquest Six: Edward

**A/N: **To my EBs (FFS u fails, its Eclipse Bitches and NOT Edward and Bella *gags*), Our amazing IMDB friends and followers, Lauren Jane for being the inspiration behind it all and reg reviewers like O.N Labbit :D Now you're all associated with me destroying Eddie's character. Mwahhaahhaha

c=============8

Bella burst through the door of her home in hysterics, tears streaming down her cheeks. Old 'stache face stood, not hovered, awkwardly as his theatrical teenage daughter threw herself onto her bed.

"Anything I can help you with there Bells?"

"No Charlie. Not unless you can give me some of Harry God Damn Clearwaters Famous fish fry!"

"Of course I can Bells, I mean, I haven't prepared it for anyone but Sue Clearwater lately but I'm sure I could whip it up with my special cream sauce just for you."

"I'm talking about having an orgasm Charles-in-charge, way to make it awkward."

Stachey's jaw dropped as his pus turned a bright crimson. Bella rolled her lifeless eyes in response.

"Oh, just go microwave yourself another tin of pasta sauce and leave me alone."

The 'stache sashayed away into the nether regions of the Swan home. Bella put on her sexy holey t-shirt and khaki pyjama bottoms as she crawled under her sheets and thought of her recent list of failed conquests.

Jakes enormous curling iron had left her battered and bruised.

Mike seemed to be made for premature endings.

Emmett's man-clitoris had left her limp.

Dave was a bad idea from the moment he stepped out from behind his handy cam.

And then there was the Banner/Berty debacle that had quickly turned from a spit roast to a nekkid conga line for two.

She rolled over, attempting to block out the events of the day with the inviting world of sleep when a sudden drop in temperature left her feeling unsettled.

"Edweirdo, are you watching me sleep again?"

Opening her eyes quickly, she was greeted with a frozen Edward Cullen lurking in the corner.

"How did you..." he began.

"Dude, I know you watch me sleep. I'm not a complete dipshit. I've been waiting for you to make the first move but I've decided the only way I can get my fish fry is if I take matters into my own hands." She raised her eyebrows as suggestively as her expressionless face would allow. Edwina didn't pick up on her subtle request for him to leave. "...So, err, if you don't mind, can we do this stalker thing another time?

Edwood's face dropped as a sadness of some sort filled his eyes. The sadness of being cock blocked.

"But, but, I need to hum you your lullaby as I simultaneously smell your freesia laced skin and jerk off into one of ur tube socks."

Bella sighed and gave in, turning to cry into her half pillow. Edwadface was there to comfort her in a supersonic second.

"Bella love, what's wrong?"

"Oh Edipus! I'm starting to think I'm never going to get my own serve of fish fry."

Edwanda's liquid topaz (much like normal topaz but vastly different) eyes grew wide with lust.

"Oh Bella, you make me so wet. You must let me help you get the fish fry you crave."

And with that Bella's khaki shorts were off in a hot second. Edgar's fingers played with the delicate curls that covered her fleshy labia as he slowly allowed one finger to enter her.

"HOLY FUCKING SANTA MARIA, THAT SHIT BE COLD!" she screamed as she leapt to her feet.

"Ah, how about we try something else to start with?" Bella said quickly, trying to recover from the shock of his popsicle fingers. Her own bony fingers traced the outline of his manhood before she cocked that sexy eyebrow of hers and attempted to play the seductress. With a low, husky, man voice, she whispered in Eddina's ear.

"I want to taste your cucumber Edward. I want it in my mouth."

Edwaldo's knickerbockers were off in a second and his throbbing member sprang forth eagerly. Bella couldn't contain the excitement in her voice.

"EDWARD! You're hung like a donkey!"

He looked down at his dangling member.

"Why? because it's brown and furry?"

"No, because you're more balls then peen..." she added as her face did this :/

Getting down on to her knees, Bellalzabub stroked up and down his growing shaft. It was like stroking the frozen carcass of a dead weasel, and she could feel herself getting wet. Leaning forward she moved to lick a tiny bit of pre-cum from his hole. She grinned up at him with the icy droplet in her mouth and tried to move back into a better position.

But she was stuck.

Her tongue was attached to his shaft like an idiot child licking a frozen street pole. She tried to pull it away as her head began to thrash in a panic. EdwalinaMrBobEdwalina was lost in the moment. His hands sat behind his head and he let Bellfail 'play' with his balls as she franticly tried to get unstuck.

The tears streaming down her face helped to free her tongue and her head fell back as EdMcMahon declared "I'm coming." His body tensed up as he took a deep breath and yelled, releasing himself with one word.

"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

He then shot a frozen wad right into Bellz forehead and knocked her unconscious.

It took him a whole minute to recover before noticing the love of his life was passed out on the ground with a large lump on her pus.

"Fuck me dead." He said as he stood in shock. A quick exit seemed to be the way to go.

Slinking outside the door he considered stopping by Charlie's room to play with his 'shot gun' but decided to continue to flee instead. He stopped briefly when he hit the ground and looked up towards Belfast's window.

"Look after my heart-I've left it with you." He whispered into the night air.

And with that he rode a goat back to the Cullen mansion where he spent the night in a naked conga line with Carlisle, Emmett, Dead Mike and Seth Cleawater.

The End.

But not.....

c=============8

Morning broke, much like Bella's hymen after her escapades with Jake the Jackhammer. The day was different. It came with promise, the promise of a fresh start. She needed to find herself some fish fry and what better place to look for it then in La Push?

*dun dun dahhhhhhhhh*

Ok, now we're done.


	7. Conquest Seven: Paul

**Chapter Author: Nalwaves**

**A/N **– I never thought I'd write anything like this. I have to dedicate this to all my EBs because you bitches are just as crazy as I am. I apologize if I ruin Farmville for anyone. Thank you also to those crazy imdb supporters, we appreciate you. # all around! I should also dedicate this to Alex who truly is sex on legs and a wonderful guy.

**Chapter 7 - Paul**

Bella was frustrated.

As she applied a pound of makeup to cover the horrible bruise Emoward left her she thought about her next steps. She knew she was headed back to La Push because of one man. He was known as Mr. Sex on Legs, or sometimes Paul. They had met briefly at a bon fire in La Push and she remembered his mischievous eyes.

Bella didn't know much about Paul except that he was known for having a temper and he was sex on legs. Surely, she would finally have her Harry Clearwater's famous fish fry.

The decrepit red truck grumbled and protested all the way to the street outside of Bella's house before the piece of shit died so Bella got her bicycle from the garage. It was pink with Strawberry Shortcake accents and a white basket. Plus it had a bell that went *ding ding*.

Two hours later, Bella was in La Push. It took her two freaking hours since it was so difficult to ride with her bush. I just made a rhyme.

She arrived at Paul's house and raked her bony fingers through her rat's nest head of hair. "Fish fry, fish fry, fish fry," she chanted over and over as she approached the door. She adjusted her blue blouse and knocked assuredly on the door.

No one answered.

She knocked again, louder.

"Dammit!" she heard a mumbled curse from somewhere inside the house, so she knocked again. "What the hell do you want?" was the shouted reply.

"I want fish fry!" The gurgled scream yell moan surprised Bella, but she went with it.

The door creaked open. A very confused Mr. Sex on Legs stood there, eyes glaring.

"You interrupted FV," he snarled.

"FV?"

"FARMVILLE, YOU BITCH!" Paul shouted back, and Bella was insanely turned on by his voice and eyes and HOLY MOTHER OF ZEUS HE WAS SHIRTLESS. Jake's magical eight pack of hotness was amazing, but Paul's beautiful abs of enchantment was just as nice.

"What's Farmville?" She asked, doing her best People's Eyebrow imitation (see wrestler: The Rock if you don't know what this is).

"Only the best game on Facebook ever invented. You get a farm then you plant and harvest different crops and you raise animals and – NOOOO! MY PUMPKINS!" Paul ran off into another room and Bella followed, not sure what exactly was going on and seeing a glowering Paul next to a computer.

"You. Made. Me. Lose. My. Crop." MSOL (Mr. Sex on Legs) grabbed Bella's throat and growled.

"Let… me… send you… a goat!" She was able to choke out, and MSOL let go. Bella had just been playing coy before. She knew exactly what FV was.

"You will send me a goat and a peach tree,"

"I'll make fake Facebook accounts and be your neighbor in Farmville if you do something for me…" she tried to be persuasive and sexy but her voice was all strained and smoker-like from the choking.

"What is that?"

"Give me my fish fry," she pleaded and jumped on him, sending him backwards into the computer chair.

"Your pus remind me of something," MSOL said while allowing Bella to straddle him.

"What's that?" She whispered, nibbling on his ear.

"Ugliness," he said and swiftly turned her around so she was no longer facing him. They quickly discarded their clothing and Bella had no problem feeling Paul's peen.

"Wait," she said, lifting herself and looking quickly to make sure his penis was not detachable. "Okay, FISH FRY TIME!"

Paul began thrusting into her aggressively, and Bella knew she was finally going to get what she wanted. His hands went to the computer and with each thrust he clicked.

"Plow, plant, harvest, plow, plant, harvest, collect milk, collect milk, collect milk, hell yes I made another level! More ribbons!" MSOL's words were getting louder and his thrusts more erratic

"Keep going Pauly! " Bella gurgled and threw her head back into his face, possibly breaking his nose. MSOL stopped abruptly.

"Pauly? As in Pauly Shore? Get the hell out!" He screamed at her, throwing her khaki granny panties at her and crying hysterically.

"What? What about my fish fry?!"

"I will get by without your fake accounts. Son-in-Law was the best movie ever and I'm not worthy to be compared with Pauly Shore. Just go. Find someone that's more worthy than me… I just can't…" MSOL crumbled onto the floor and wept into his hands. Bella was suddenly regretting her decision to abandon Mike Newton's corpse.

Bella quickly dressed and left a blubbering Paul. She decided talking during sex was out if she was to get her fish fry. This was all her fault, Son-in-Law really _was_ the best movie ever. Encino Man was a close second.

She mounted her pink bike and made her way back to Forks. Somewhere, someone was more worthy, and she had an idea of who that might be. *ding ding*


	8. Conquest Eight: Russell

**CHAPTER AUTHOR: UWBJ**

**A/N: THIS CHAPTER WILL ONLY MAKE SENSE TO A SMALL HANDFUL OF PEOPLE, AND IT IS DEDICATED TO THOSE AMAZING INDIVIDUALS, ESPECIALLY REIJILIE AND NALWAVES, WHO WERE THE INSPIRATION FOR THIS, ALONG WITH SCARLETT THE GREAT, LIL AND GINSPER.**

**[IT TOOK A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF SELF CONTROL TO KEEP FROM WRITING THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER IN CAPS, JSYK.]**

*****THIS CHAPTER IS INSPIRED BY ACTUAL EVENTS*****

As Bella rode her sad little bike home, she scoured her mind for a solution. This was ridiculous. There had to be someone that could deliver fish fry. But who?

It was when she rounded the corner and entered downtown Forks that she first saw the trucks. They were parked all up and down the street, and there was equipment being set up. Unsure what was going on, Bella stopped to take a look. There was a short guy with shades and a slight receding hairline, and behind him was a big guy with an uncanny resemblance to Dr. Phil.

"What's going on?" Bella asked.

"We're filming a movie, dipshit, now move on," Shades snapped.

How rude.

"Wow, really?" she asked. "Why are you filming a movie in downtown Forks?"

"Don't question the story," he said. "If you think about it too much, the whole thing's going to fall apart."

Bella nodded in understanding. An idea was brewing in her brain.

She decided to snoop around and see who was in this movie. Maybe a hottie from Hollywood was what she needed to get her fish fried.

She ditched the bike and made her way down a side street where she saw a few trailers lined up. Just as she walked past, the door to the first trailer swung open and a guy jumped down the steps. Bella gasped and her jaw dropped when she realized who it was. He was taller than she expected, more built and had darker hair, but it was none other than James Franco.

"Hi!" she blurted out, suddenly star-struck.

James appeared startled and shook his head before throwing her one of his amazing killer smiles.

"Well, hello there," he said.

He smelled better than any man she'd ever smelled, and again Bella found it difficult to concentrate. She couldn't believe how he oozed of masculinity and sexuality. She was tempted to hump his leg right then and there.

She stuttered around for a bit, not making any sense, but Franco listened patiently and just smiled, pretending to understand what she was saying.

Finally, she got around to her point and told Franco all about her failed attempts at sexual gratification. Only then did he drop his sexy smile and his expression instead turned to one of sheer terror. He was no fool, and he had a strong suspicion he knew where this conversation was going.

"So I think you're the kind of man that can really deliver the kinda fry I've been looking for," she said.

"Look, Bella," James interrupted. "I'm sure you're a great girl and all, but the thing is… my heart already belongs to another."

"What?!" she gasped. "But she doesn't have to know. What happens in Bella, stays in Bella," she said with a wink.

Franco threw up a little in his mouth, but recovered quickly and explained.

"Sorry, Bella. This girl back in New York stole my heart," he said. "It was love the first time I saw her at the other end of her telephoto."

Bella was disappointed, but not completely discouraged.

"Hmm, so who else is in this movie?" she asked.

"Well, let's see… Daniel Radcliffe, and –"

"Holy crow! Really? Where's he?" she asked, looking around desperately.

"Nah, don't get your hopes up," Franco said. "He ran off with some red-headed vixen from Tennessee. I haven't seen him all day."

Just when Bella was about to give up, the door to the next trailer opened up and a shirtless Ryan Reynolds walked out.

This made no sense at all. In addition to the regular hotties of Forks and La Push, what the hell were James Franco, Daniel Radcliffe and RyRy himself, Ryan Reynolds doing there?

Ditching Franco instantly, Bella ran to him. Blinking even more than usual, she managed to stutter out a proposition to RyRy. A look of disgust covered his beautiful face.

"Look, I've got a girl, and she owns my shiny heart," he said. "And actually, you better get out of here, because if she sees you talking to me, she'll unleash her goat army on you – not to mention, she usually carries a gun. Just so you know..."

Bella was stunned, and terrified. She quickly walked away from RyRy and his shirtless self. She was trying to remember where she ditched her bike when suddenly a limousine pulled up.

Who else could be at this movie set?

A tall Englishman with amazing hair climbed out of the limo and strutted down the sidewalk. Bella was momentarily dazzled by his swagger.

"Hey sweet thing," he called out.

Her breath caught in her throat as she realized who it was – Russell Brand. He was lanky, and hairy, and more than a little bit skeezy, but at this point, Bella was no longer picky.

"Get in there, and I'll show you the time of your life," he said, motioning towards his trailer.

Wow, he really gets to the point. Bella momentarily hesitated. After all she'd been through, could Russell Brand really be the one to deliver her fish fry?

"It'll be beautiful, and you'll never forget it," he said. "I promise."

And it took no more convincing. She eagerly joined him in his trailer.

Twenty minutes later, Bella stumbled out of Russell's trailer, unable to walk straight and no closer to Harry Clearwater's Famous Fish Fry.

She wasn't sure if what Russell had shown her was the time of her life or not, but she'd certainly never forget it.


	9. Chapter Nine: Uri

**Author: Hatchet Face Cullen **

**A/N:** This chapter is dedicated to the original Late Shift purely because only they will really get this. So here's to you Reijilie, Crayons, RJC, Scar and Ninja *giggles*

**Chapter 9 **

**Uri.**

Bella walked back up the alley to find her bike, she didn't relish the fact she would have to sit on the cold hard seat and peddle all the way home after the battering her vag had just had from Russell. The night was starting to set in and she was alone in the alley, she looked down and thought of giving her v-fro a little teasing to cushion the seat of the bike. But alas after 2 poundings in one day her v-fro was more manky than fresh... so much for the breeze.

She was reaching the end of the alley and couldn't spot her bike.. _Fuck some bastards stole it – dirty minks! _ Bella thought to herself. As she began to look around wondering how the hell she was going to get home walking like John Wayne; she spotted something in the side of her eye. A little bit further down from the trailers, there seemed to be what looked like a large tented area.

Bella made her way over looking like she had a thigh trainer permently attached between her legs, as she reached the curtained door she peaked her head in hoping it was some sort of resting space for the crew members. It was the canteen, empty and stocked to the bones with delicious food. Bella drooled. She hadn't eaten since this story had started because the other authors forgot. Her hands were crow like and her feet like that of a rat.

_Oh man, I could murder a smoked German sausage right about now. _ _Oh the concoctions I could make with a smoked German sausage... mmmmmmmmmmm... _Bella's thoughts trailed on as she moved closer and closer to the buffet a crow hand reaching for the giant sausage.

"I wouldn't eat that if I were you..." someone whispered in her ear.

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Bella jumped in the air wondering what the fuck was going on.

"Oh I's so sorry I didn't mean to startle you, it's just I wouldn't touch the sausage from here..." the man continued in a strange Ukrainian/Polish/Czech/Romanian accent; while polishing a spoon.

"Who the fuckery are you? I jumped out of my fricking skin there, way to kill someone you complete douche. And what the hell is wrong with the sausage? I've been dying for one all day!" Angry at being scared shitless, Bella ranted on, pointing what she thought what she thought was a finger but was actually the sausage she had unknowingly picked up. "So So So, FUCK YOU!" Bella screamed with anger clinching her first and with that the sausage flew out of her hand and straight into the man's face.

"OWIE" The strange foreigner rubbed his face.

"Oh golly gosh! Fiddle Sticks, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean... Oh my... Jimminy crickets... Did that hurt?" Bella began to get herself in a state and began crying. " It's just I don't really want a sausage... what I really want is my fish fry and no matter where I go or who I see, I never seem to get it."

"Oh I see, I don't think they serve fish fry at this counter. And don't worry about my face it didn't hurt. I have a _feeling_ the evening will turn out well." The foreign European man stared into Bella's eyes almost hypnotising her but not quite. "My name is Uri Geller, I am Michael Jacksons BFF. I love him I have been so sad since his death. You seem to be glum too... Perhaps we could help each other?" Uri stared at Bella in that hypnotic suggestive way that made him look cock eyed.

Bella squinted wondering what was wrong with his eyes, he wasn't really her type and couldn't understand most of what he was saying but after two failed attempts today she would do an ice cream cone if she thought it would get her off.

"Ok Uri, let's go back to your place and make each other happy"... Bella began to perk up.

A ten minute walk later they entered Uri's grotty B&B room. There was nothing in the room except a mini fridge and a single bed. The bed had no sheets, only a plastic mattress protector. Uri led Bella to the bed and stripped her naked with his hypnotic cock eyes.

"Bella before we do this there is something you must know..." Uri continued in his strange Ukrainian/Polish/Czech/Romanian accent. "... I have a penis erectile dysfunction so I cannot enter you myself, but I have something better Bella. I. HAVE. THIS." Uri held up his sterling silver cutlery set pulling out a spoon.

Bella's eyed widened.

"Watch me Bella... Watch as I bend this spoon with the power of my mind. I will concentrate on your cervix and bend this spoon to the exact curve to hit your G Spot in order to give you the most mind blowing orgasm you have ever had in your life" Uri continued rubbing the spoon as he stared at Bella's magnificently manky bush.

Bella gasped. _My fish fry._

Uri began to arouse Bella with the spoon, slowly entering it into her hole. Beginning to thrust it in and out like he was poking an egg. Bella moaned. Uri poked. Bella moaned more. Uri poked her harder with his silver wear.

"MORE HARDER ALMOST THERE" Bella screamed.

"HOLY SHIT!" Uri Screamed.

"What is it?" Bella shot up.

"My fucking spoon is gone.... UP your hole.... LOST... FOREVER!" Uri began to sob.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!! There must be something, you must have another spoon."

"No I don't that was my last one. Let me go check to see if there is anything else I can bend with the power of mind." Uri left his bed and looked around the skanky room.

He returned. With a baguette. A tuna Baguette.

"Really?.. What kind is it?" Bella quizzed. "Will it work? Actually I don't care anymore; I'm so close Uri just shove it in there!!!"

And so Uri did just that. Once again Uri thrust. Bella moaned. Uri thrust harder. Bella screamed.

"ALMOST FUCKING THERE!"

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT – YOU'RE LIKE A FUCKING CAVE DOWN THERE!" Uri screamed

Bella shot up.. "What now?"

"The baguette is gone also... I was hoping to have that for supper." Uri cried distraught at the loss of his spoon and tuna baguette. "Get out of here you thieving cunt!.. And when my belongings fall out of there I want them back! Not even the Powers of Mind can remove them from you there are so far up! And that was 12inch baguette!!" Uri sobbed.

Bella picked up her clothes baffled at the strange day she had had, feeling nothing other than that she was now some sort of shopping bag for household goods. She left Uri's B&B, saddened at still not receiving her fish fry, but now at least smelling like one. She worried what effects having a spoon and tuna baguette stuck up her hole would have on her.

_Tomorrow is another day. Yes. I shall think about that tomorrow. _

Bella walked all the way home. Just like John Wayne.


	10. Conquest Ten: J Jenks

We don't own Twilight.

**Chapter Author: Domestica**

Bella woke with all the sexual frustration of a straight woman stuck on a gay man's cruise ship. Was she ever going to get her fish fry? Like, ever? The disappointments of this town's lack of sexual competence was becoming more than she could bear. As she sulked in bed she suddenly felt an itching in her massive pube fro. She stood up to assert a solution. Just as she did her vagina emptied like an over-turn trunk.

_What the hell is this? _Wondered Bella as she picked up various objects off of her bedroom floor. They seemed to be items gained over her sexual conquests. There was Paul's computer mouse and Mike's gold chain that seemed to be swallowed up in her vag when riding his face. And oh, look at that, even Uri's spoon he was so distraught over. Unfortunately everything seemed to fall out but his tuna baguette. She gathered her trinkets and shoved them in her top drawer as always a way of remembering her past (Mike literally) lovers.

_Think think think.._

She figured the only way to solve her problem was roam around town and pick up a sexy stranger.

_We'll just be walking down the straight and encounter each other and woops there's an open alleyway and oops there go my pants and FISH FRY FISH FRY FISH FRYYYYY!_ Bella began to get so moist at the thought of sexy strangers that she rushed out the door without having showered nor shaving her massive beaver. She hopped in her disaster of a truck and sped off. Her loins clutched and quenched for her sexy stranger that it was too much to handle. She began humping the air like a wild dog until she noticed her truck slowing down and finally dying on her in the middle of the road right in front of a small building.

_Fuckin Charlie. I'm going to give a piece of my mind to this Billy guy. Where the hell am I?_

Bella looked up too see the sign straight above her:

**J. Jenks**

**Attorney for All Your Under-the-Table Needs.**

_I could definitely do a lawyer._ Bella thought getting extremely wet at the idea (little does she know that she wouldn't need it) A lawyer who happens to be a stranger? Could it get much better?

Bella waltzed into the building with her thumbs in her pant loops and pornographic thoughts burning in her brain.

"I need to see Mr. Jenks immediately. My name is Bella Swan and I have a very important issue." Bella told the small secretary at the front desk in a stern voice.

"Um, he's with a client right now. If you'll just take a seat and he'll be…."

"NO. I don't think you understand.." said Bella as she swayed her hips in a circular motion. "It needs to be now."

"Let me go see what I can do." said the secretary in a nervous manner. She stood up and walked into the back office and shut the door.

"It's quite alright…" said a voice inside the office, "I can come back later." Just then it was Jasper Hale who walked out of the office, nodded at Bella and walked out the door.

_Damn he's HOT.. but I still want to do this lawyer guy. FUCK" _Just then her stream of thought was broken but a small voice.

"Bella Swan? What's the matter, dear?" Just then Bella looked over to the office doorway to see an extremely sweaty old man. The sweat had literally gone through his undershirt, white colored shirt and out to form stains on his suit jacket.

_God damnit, why didn't I go after that other guy. I really want that fish fry though.. _The very thought of her gaining her fish fry was overwhelming that she went into ' office and shut the door behind her. Poor old woman has no idea what she'll be listening to through this crappy wall.

"Yes. I do have a dreadful problem…" began Bella as she carefully undid the top button of her blouse and sat with her legs wide open (even though you couldn't see anything under her long khaki skirt but a round itchy lump sitting on her crotch)

_Ah the hell with words!_

Bella jumped on top of Jenks' desk and clawed at his jacket and shirt buttons only to expose his wet, hairless chest. The sweat all across it made Bella's hand slip causing her to fall face first into his crotch.

_Nope, no time for that either. Must have fish fry!_

She still pulled at his belt and pants to expose his mediocre peen which was no doubt doused in sweat as well.

"Dear god, woman! What are you doing!" cried Jenks. "My wife is right outside!"

"So what! I'll only charger her ten for listening!" crackled Bella as she situated herself on top of Jenks crotch with her back to him just so she wouldn't have to look at the beads of sweat gathering on his top lip.

Bella began to move her hips violently. She moved her head every which way which caused her hair to fly around in Jenks' face. he began to make gagging noises in her ear as if about to vomit.

"What's going on back there!" hissed Bella not realizing how badly she stunk from missing out on her morning shower. Before Jenks could answer the little woman burst through the office door! She began yanking Bella's hair to pull her off her husband.

"No! Wait! Please I'm almost there!" Bella cried still moving over Jenks. "Ah..ah..oh oh oh!" Before she could get her beloved fish fry the old woman had finally managed to remove Bella and tossed her to the ground.

"God damn you!!!!!!" cursed Bella as she threw on her damp clothes and ran to her truck drenched as if she had just gotten out of a swimming pool. It was freezing outside and her truck was broken.

_Looks like I'm hitchhiking _she thought as her knees quaked under her from her sexcapade with sweaty Jenks. _I could do my stranger that way!_ She thought and threw out her left thumb immediately.

It wasn't until she was a few feet away that she heard a loud shriek from the small building. She went back and peered inside the window to find the sweaty fat man leaning back in his chair and clutching his chest. That was number two for Bella. She had literally fucked slimy Jenks dead. If it weren't for the pocket watched that fell out of her loose beaver she would have thought it a completely fruitless effort.


	11. Conquest Eleven: Ben Cheney

**Author: Carms**

**a/n: This is my first ever attempt at FF, so go easy on me! I might have massively failed at including any hilarity. But I don't think I did.**

Bella walked for miles trying to hitchhike, her pube-fro itching like an anthill. Alas, nobody would pick her up! As she gave her crotch a massive scratching, she pondered why there wasn't a soul in all of Port Angeles kind enough to give a sex kitten such as herself a ride. _Or my damn fish fry!_

She stopped by the side of the road and started doing a sexy dance to get someone's attention. There's no way anyone could pass her sexy dance up! As she began to squirm like a worm on a fishing hook, a nasty blue van pulled over.

_Hmm, a child molester. This could be fun!_ she thought to herself. _Maybe he'll give me some candy I can stick in my vag to save it for later._ She grinned with delight at the thought.

"Bella, are you okay?" Ben Cheney came sprinting out of the van.

Aw god damn the whole world to hell, it was just Ben with his tiny Asian peen. _Oh well, better small than nothing at all, right? _Bella thought, thinking of Dave. Poor, poor Dave.

"I think the question is are you okay Ben?" Bella asked, continuing her sexy dance and itching her pube mountain.

"What? I thought you were having a seizure Bella!" Ben said, confused.

"No seizure." She stopped dancing. "Want to have a sex seizure with me, Ben?"

It was clear that Bella was out of her right mind. Ben swept her off her feet and threw her in his van to rush her to the Forks General Hospital.

"Bella, I think you're going insane!" Ben yelled in her ear.

"Jesus fuck Ben, I'm not deaf you retard. I just want some fish fry!"

Ben started to speed along the highway, his crapmobile vibrating as they went. "Oh, is that why you were spazzing like a half-dead worm?" It was all starting to make sense! Bella was trying to catch a fish, so she pretended to be a worm. It was genius, really.

"I just want your half-dead worm inside me, Benny Boy," Bella said in her sexy voice. Apparently her sexy dance hadn't worked with Ben, so she had to resort to plan B. Sexy smoker voice. She took her already deep voice down another two octaves, going for an Imus-like voice. Ben, scared out of his mind that Bella was actually a man, and an insane one at that, reflexively reached over and punched her in the jaw. Bella smacked her head against the window from the blow. Ben sped up to 120 mph. The van began vibrating harder.

"Ooooh Ben!" Bella said in her Imus-voice. "I'm getting wet from your vibrations." She turned to look at her newest conquest, who was now covered in a light sheen of sweat from total panic. His pit stains almost reached the bottom of his shirt. Sweaty men seemed to be a trend in Bella's search for fish fry. She itched her pube-fro full of ants and accidentally pulled out the baguette. Her stomach rumbled.

"Hey Ben, sometimes eating some bread calms my stomach," she said, offering him a piece covered in whitish vag juice. "I know you're nervous, but don't worry, I'm experienced." Ben snatched the baguette piece from Bella's outstretched hand and chewed furiously.

"Oooh, that's good. What's the flavoring?"

"Harry Clearwater's Famous Fish Fry Juice," Bella explained smugly.

"I'll have to remember that," Ben said. "Where can I get some of it?"

Bella ripped his hand from the steering wheel and shoved it in her outstretched beaver hole. "Right here, baby."

"Huh," Ben said, considering. Then he looked over to see what warm, floppy place his hand had been shoved, and puked all over Bella's lap. "That is some *puke* nasty shit *puke* you *puke* whore face!" Ben screamed.

Bella decided enough was enough. It was obvious my Ben's puking that he was incredibly turned on by her fish fry juice and he was emptying his stomach for some more. She undid her seatbelt and clambered onto Ben's lap._ I've never had sex in a moving car._ Just the thought made her squirt with excitement.

"These are my favorite pants you bitch!" Ben started to cry. "And I can't see the road. I'm going to die from being raped by a whorish cavewoman with an enormous bush."

"Shh, don't worry baby, the van is acting as a natural stimulant. Your tiny peen won't have to do any work!" Bella knew that Ben would be excited by this prospect. She unzipped his pants to find a wonderful surprise. His dick was the size of a horse's!

"It will be like bestiality," she whispered in awe. She didn't know if she could contain herself much longer. She tried to stick his floppy dick inside her vag-hole but couldn't.

"GET HARD YOU MOTHER FUCKER!" Bella screamed and slapped him. Ben pulled into a parking lot, still crying. She continued to try and shove his limp-as-a-noodle cock into her cavern of hidden wonders, but her pube forest acted as a barrier.

Ben screamed in pain. "It's like wires stabbing my penis!" he sobbed.

Suddenly, the door swung open! It was Angela, Ben's giantess of a girlfriend. "Jesus christ on a cracker, you never stop growing, do you Angela?" Bella said in awe, forgetting about her fish fry struggle.

"Seven feet and still growing!" Angela said proudly. "What are you doing to my boyfriend you cheap slut?" Angela asked, slapping Bella. Bella liked the pain. She stored that information away for later.

"He wanted my fish fry juice," Bella explained patiently. "His horse dick just won't go into my vagina." Angela grabbed Bella by her long hair and threw her out of the van, onto her uncushioned ass.

"You've dirtied my khaki!" Bella screamed with fury as Ben and Angela sped away in the child molester van.

_Ah, foiled again._


	12. Conquest Twelve: Mystery Person

Dirty khaki aside, Bella was relieved when she realized that the parking lot she had been dumped into was none other than Newton Sporting Goods, or whatever it was called. She remembered with sadness that Mike had been killed by a wild animal, and was sad.

_He tried so hard to give me my fish try,_ she thought sadly. Then she remembered that he had also failed miserably and she wasn't sad anymore. _That's karma for ya._

As she started to walk home, exhausted from her adventures with J. Jenks and Ben, she noticed Jessica's enormous boobs wandering out of the Newton's story. Jessica was attached to them, obviously.

"Hey Bella," she said sadly. Bella forgot that Jessica and Mike had been dating. Or had they been? They got together and broke up so much that she really couldn't keep track anymore. Either way, Jessica was a possessive whore who got way too jealous when all Bella was doing was secretly making out with Mike in the janitor's closet. God, she was so uptight.

"Hi Jess," Bella said back, flipping her hair seductively. Bella wasn't into girls, but she figured this was good practice.

"Zoh my gawsh, your hair is super shiny Bella!" Jess screamed with excitement.

"This old thing?"

"Yes!" Jess continued to scream. "What do you put in it?"

"Just a bit of old Fish Fry Juice. The usual. And please Jessica, shut the fuck up with that screaming, you'll make a bitch go deaf."

Jessica punched Bella in the shoulder in a "friendly" way, and her boob shelf wobbled from instability. Was she even wearing a bra? Bella's bush stood on end at the thought. She stared at Jess's chest. Her shirt was even more low cut than the dress she wore at prom their Junior year. This did not make Bella sad. It actually made her tingle with excitement, something she hadn't felt for a good 10 minutes. It was about time she felt that way again! In all of her one week of sexual experience, she had never been with a woman, but this felt right. So much for not being into girls. She had a great chemistry with Jessica. Almost as good as the chemistry between Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson in the Twilight movie. Men had failed her, so the only thing left were women. And I guess trannies, but that's a whole nother story.

She ran her stubby fingers through her nasty hair again, and trailer her hand down her body. "I'm feeling really sexy right now Jess."

Jess stared at her in confusion, her mouth slightly agape as she watched Bella once again start to do her "sexy" dance. Instead of a worm on a fishing hook, she channeled the eels from "The Little Mermaid". If they weren't sexy, then what was?? Nothing is the correct answer. Nothing. And then she started to do a routine.

Bend over, wiggle butt in Jess's face, snap back up, don't break Jess's nose, squat and slap the thighs. She waved her hands in the air, shaking her butt some more, making animal-like (aka "sexy") grunting sounds. Kick to the left! Kick to the right! Hump the air! Hump hump hump! She pretended she was a genie in a bottle, including the lyrics "You've gotta rub me the right way!". She then proceeded to run full force at Jessica, shimmying her non-breasts like her life depended on it and knocked Jess over with all of her non-breastiness. They were both cushioned by Jess's boobs though. Somehow, one of them had managed to fly all the way around Jessica and cushion her back. It was great.

"You know Bella, ever since Mike died a couple days ago, I swore I'd never love again," Jess whispered. "But that was the most beautiful dance I have ever seen."

They stared into each other's eyes deeply. Bella's vag was pounding with the force of one thousand drums. She wanted Jess inside her. Unfortunately, she didn't have a penis.

"I want you inside me Jess," Bella said sadly. "I'm so sad that we can never be together."

"There are ways Bella," Jess said in what was a real sexy voice. Her voice dripped with thoughts of Harry Clearwater's Famous Fish Fry. "But please, get off of me," she wheezed.

Bella leapt up like a startled gazelle and pulled her lover to her feet. It was then that she realized what her forceful shimmying had done to Jessica. Her right boobie, the one that had flung around her back, had stretched out to the length of a baseball bat, minus a few inches. Or so. It hung just below the hemline of her shirt, its unbra-ed nipple peeking out, excited to see the world.

She began to sob. "Oh Jessica, I have crippled you for life! Now how will you get men to date you? You're personality sure doesn't cut it!" She began screaming from her emotional pain.

Jessica slapped her a few times back to reality. Bella liked it. She was no longer sad. "Did you just listen to ANYTHING I just said, you waste of space? I said I'd never love again! Mike was my one and only! We were soul mates! I don't know how it the world I will ever survive without him. Actually, I think I'm going to go jump off a cliff into raging water and drown myself in my misery."

Bella grabbed Jess's gimpy boob and stopped her. "No Jess. You have me. I beg of thee, don't leave." She pulled her close and stroked her face, tucking an imaginary strand of hair behind Jess's ear. "Don't leave."

Suddenly a car zoomed by, honking madly at them. "GET A ROOM, LEZZIES!" some [most likely very hot] guy shouted.

"YOUR MOM'S CHEST HAIR!" Bella screamed back.

"What?"

"What?"

"…………"

"Sound's good. Let's get a room," Bella suggested.

"I have a better idea." Jessica dragged Bella to the back of the Newton's store, where the ground was covered in mushy moss and pine needles.

"Here?" Bella asked in disbelief, sticking her hand down her pants to scratch the ants that were hiding in her bush. How had they even gotten there?? She decided that's what you got once you were no longer a virgin. Anyway.

"Oh don't worry, I'm going to make it romantic." And with that, Jessica whistled a merry tune. A reply came from the trees, and within seconds, blue cartoon birds came bursting from the treetops and laid soft leaves and feathers in a patch. Jessica started doing an interpretive dance and whistled some more, and more birds came and provided more leaves.

"Are you a Disney princess?" Bella whispered in awe when they were done.

"I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."

Bella nodded silently in understanding.

"I would have found us a hollow tree, but with our time constraints…"

"We have time constraints??" This made Bella sad. She wanted her Fish Fry to last long and hard.

"You want to get to it, don't you? I'm about to explode in my pants Bella, I can't wait much longer!"

Bella's loins quivered with anticipation. "Oh baby, I'm so ready. But… I don't really know how this works. Girl on girl fish fry, I mean. Is it just lots of, you know, vaginal rubbing?"

"Uhhmmmm, NO you foolish fiend."

"Oh."

"I have a special tool to use when I am pleasuring a woman."

"Oh?"

With that, Jessica whipped out a light pink, sparkly strap on. "This is my child," she whispered

"Why does it sparkle? Will the sparkles come off in my vag? Because I have enough shit hiding up there as it is and I really don't need a yeast infection to top off all my other Fish Fry problemos."

"Oh don't you worry. This will be great. It's perfectly harmless."

Bella stopped, realizing something with chagrin. "You've done this before?"

"Duh Bella. Who else do you think would fuck me other than Mike? I mean, I practically had to force him as it was. I mean… not really. What?"

"What?"

"What?"

"……"

"So let's get to this!" With that, Jessica ripped her clothes off in one swift, seemingly impossible motion. Bella screamed in horror at the sight of Jessica's right breasticle. "You can't back down now. You owe me. LOOK AT WHAT HAS BECOME OF ME!" Jessica screeched to the heavens, and the already grey sky became black with doom.

"You're not a Disney princess!" Bella screamed.

"No shit Sherlock, where's your squad car?"

"Uh, well, I'm pretty sure Charlie has the police cruiser right now."

"God, it's like telling a kid that Santa doesn't exist."

"He doesn't?" This made Bella sad. She didn't know that Santa wasn't real. Probably because she was so dumb.

"God Bella, you're so stupid!"

Bella started crying. Her vag fro itched like the dickens, Jessica wasn't a Disney princess, she was about to get a super gay sparkly dildo thingamabob stuck up her vajay, her vag fro itched, Santa didn't exist, Jessica was being super duper mean to her, and her vag fro itched! And to top it all off, it sure looked like she wasn't going to get her Fish Fry!

She became determined. She wouldn't let this crippled lesbian whore rape her vagina. She just wouldn't. She couldn't!

Suddenly, Bella ran! She ran out of the woods as fast as her clumsy size 7 (American) feet would carry her. She huffed and puffed and kept running. But oh no! A tree root! She tripped and fell, smacking her heart shaped face right into the tree trunk.

_Well, at least I don't have a pretty face to damage. Come to think of it, I don't have a brain to damage, either,_ Bella thought happily as she kept running.

"Bella! Come back! I loooooove you!" she heard Jessica calling from the distance. Bella paused for a moment, unsure of what she had just heard. No, not Jess calling to her. It was a dull "thwap, thwap, thwap" that seemed to be getting closer and closer. Jessica's gimpy breast! She was chasing Bella, and her boob was thwapping as she ran! Holy crow!

Never. Never ever. Ever.

She kept running and running until she couldn't run anymore, and Bella was, once again, helpless and lost in the woods. And Fish Fry-less.


	13. Conquest Thirteen: You'll see

**Written by Domestica. I just HAD to do this character. HAD TO!**

As Bella continued running from the perversion that was Jessica's tit she stumbled onto the Quileute reservation. (I mean she _literally_ tripped over her own feet, somehow twisted midair and fell on her back onto the reservation.) It was a quiet weekday afternoon and everyone was at school or working except for an old lady sitting on a porch hissing and chanting at Bella in a language she didn't understand.

_Uh ok whatever, lady…_Bella thought as she threw her the finger and continued walking around the reservation. She passed by a small house and heard a television set buzzing with a beautiful mating call. As soon as Bella heard this her nipples stuck straight out and hard enough to cut cans. She barely noticed the violent itching in her pubes anymore.

_What is this beautiful music?_ Bella asked as she peeked inside the front window to see who and what was playing. A boy sat with his back to her and she saw the tv set in front of him playing Pokemon Snap on Nintendo 64.

_Ah yeah, it's the cave level. I really need to get leveled up on my own system but first…fish fry…_

Bella needed to lure this person out of his house to console the burning between her legs that ached for her beloved fry. She began to stick her hand down the front of her skirt to relieve any aching but as soon as she did she felt a sharp pinch on the tip of her finger. She quickly yanked out her hand and saw one of her small black ant friends running around her hand.

"Here you go, little buddy. It's ok." She cooed to the ant in a low whisper as she placed him on the windowsill. "Run along, Louie! Don't ever look back!"

Bella's overexcitement caught the attention of the boy sitting inside because when she looked back in the window he was standing right in front of her laughing.

"You're Isabella Swan, right?" he asked

"Dude I've been living in Forks for fucking three months now. I like to be called fucking Bella. I just banged Jacob the other day at his house. He didn't tell you about me?"

The truth was that Jacob had told him everything that happened with Bella. Every disgusting detail and the boy's face went stark white.

"Hey you look a lot like this guy Edward Cullen." She remarked. "Are you related?"

"You're a moron. Dude, I'm stuck at home with a fever and I just want to chill right now. Please, just leave before I call the cops a.k.a. your dad." He said and slammed the window closed on her fingers. Bella felt the heat rush to her face as she yanked out her fingers and began banging on the window. He turned around held up a phone and made an exaggerated gesture as if he were calling someone. She banged on the window some more and yelled "Don't you fucking think about it!"

The boy inside seemed to be mouthing something…_Fuck you_? Bella was now furious and extremely turned on. She went to the front door, pushed it open as hard as she could and walked inside.

"You're going to wish you never did that." Hissed Bella as she grabbed the N64 controller and phone from the boy's hand and threw them on the floor. "So…have you ever been with a girl before?" she asked standing above him while he sat motionless on the couch in front of her. Before he had any time to answer she yanked up her haggard skirt and shoved his face in her wild bush. It had now turned into three different shades of red and began growing down the inside of her thighs. It disgustingly looked as if she were giving birth to Carrot Top. The boy began to cry for help but his pleas could not be heard. As soon as they escaped his mouth they became nothing more than a few mumbles. That pubic mess absorbed sound like a mother fucker.

"Blppppp! Blppppp eeeeeh!" is all she could make out from his whining.

"Shut up down there and do your job! I want that fucking fish fry and you're going to give it to me!" Bella began pulling his head harder into her crotch. "Oh wait…ah right there. Right there..oh yeah!" she said as she began moving her hips wildly in his face. It seemed his nose was rubbing right up against her clit so she pulled it harder and moved faster. She grabbed one of his hands with her free one and pushed it onto her book. She finally let it go after he kept smacking it making her nipple scared and flat.

"Almost have it!!! Almost have my beloved fish fry! YES YES!"

All of a sudden Bella heard a loud school bell go off down the road.

"Don't worry, baby. We still have a few more minutes before anyone comes around here. That's all I need" she said. She was now banging on the wall so hard that random family photos and crappy paintings began crashing on the floor but Bella didn't care. She just continued to whip her dirty hair around and drooled all over the boy's hair. "ALMOST!!! AHHHH!" she yelled louder and louder.

"What the FUCK is going on here?!?!" shrieked a voice in the doorway. "Seth, what the fuck are you doing!?"

Bella, stunned at the intrusion, let go of Seth's face. It was covered in vagina juice that had a disturbing green tint to it and bright red ant bites.

"Leah! Help aldskjafldkfj!" just then Bella shoved his face back in her wet mess.

"We're not done here! Come back later!"

"Like hell you're not!" Leah lunged at Bella. Before she knew it Bella was on her back with bright white sharp teeth in her face and a mouth full of fur. This was getting weird and Bella's vag dried up like a pinecone in winter causing her fire hair to shrink and curl up inside her. Apparently it does that when it's scared.

"She says to get the fuck out." Seth said quickly before he too turned into what appeared be a um what? What the fuck is that? Bella nodded her head anxiously, got up and backed out the front door with her hands up. She repeatedly promised to keep her hands off Seth's now pepperoni-pizza-looking face forever and rushed out the door. Before she could get completely out of the house she felt a sharp pain on her ass. She turned around to see the Leah..um animal thing with a clump of khaki fabric in her mouth. Bella darted down the path with her bare ass jiggling behind her. She finally got to the woods and leaned against a giant tree covered in moss to catch her breath. She could still hear the wheezing laugh of that bitch Leah. She looked back to see the damage.

_Ooooh nice, my ass looks like Jess' boobs__. Ew, except bloody. _She grabbed a giant leaf and began patting her bottom with it to wipe off some of the blood.

_GAH! So close...damn those..er um what the fuck did they turn into? __Bears? Possums? Well, whatever._

(Yes, Bella is that stupid.)

She trotted off down into the woods once more heading to god-knows-where, her scratched up ass following close behind (obviously).


	14. Conquest Fourteen: Dr Carlisle Cullen

**By Reijilie**

**A/N:** If you're easily offended by racial stereotyping then **WHAT ARE YOU DOING READING THIS STORY IN THE FIRST PLACE?** And you need to turn away now. Kthnx.

--- --- ---

Bella returned from Sethykins house after her beat down by the beautiful and magnificent goddess Leah Clearwater. Her insides were burning a red hot fire of molten infectious disease and she needed to get rid of some of her vag stash before she even entertained the idea of allowing anything in there.

Sure, there was the option of the backdoor, but she just wasn't that kind of girl, as per the tattooed tramp stamp on her lower back that said "Exit only" with an arrow pointing downwards. It was both informative and decorative, like the instructions in a box of condoms. I mean, really, instructions? Like, you open it up and then it's pretty self explanatory, you know? As long as you don't make a chain link out of them and wrap then around your schlong you're good to go, amirite? Plus, in this day and age, if you're learning from the instructions then you're not ready for sexing. There is a thing called Google people. That and the adult only channels. It's like fucking tampon instructions- don't get me started on tampon instructions...

But I digress…

She headed to Forks Hospital in the hopes someone could fix up her insides and patch up the bite marks Leah Clearwater left on her ass. She was admitted immediately and waited patiently in the cold, sterile office. The door opened suddenly as a golden haired demigod sauntered his way in.

"Ah, I see the Chief's daughter is here." His velvety voice sang.

"Dr Cullen? Since when were you a qualified gyno?"

"It's Forks Bella. There are about ten people in this town. When I'm on my lunch break the janitor fills in for me. You're lucky- you just missed Old 'Wandering hands Willy' by about 20 minutes."

"But why do you need a lunch break if you're a vamphariiie?" she asked, Sookkehhh stylez.

"You're asking far too many logical questions that will lead to well paced plot progression and I'm here to tell you, I just won't stand for that."

"Um...okay."

"Now, what are you here for?" Daddy C and his stunning eyes of rock-hard topaz asked.

She threw her legs open, hoisting them up in the stirrups. A baby crocodile crawled out and she giggled at the sensation.

"Jumping Jehoshaphat!"

"Yeah, it's like Noahs ark down there...whatchagonnado?"

Carlisle pulled on his rubber gloves and one of those face mask things that Asian people wear when they have colds and flu's..or SARS. Remember SARS?

"Excuse me, but I need some assistance" He said turned his head and yelled over his shoulder "TOKEN! I need your help. Stat!"

With that Tyler came prancing through the door. By prancing I mean crumping.

"Yo! That shit is messed up!" he exclaimed as he did the _word to your motha_ arm fold thing. You know the one.

"OMG! It's Tyler- the dude who almost ran me over and then didn't say anything about there being an obvious hand print in the door where there should've been my brain matter."

"No, this is Token Bella. Token is my assistant."

"Um, actually C-Diddy, it's Tyler-in-the-HIZZ-AY, but I'm down with whatever- ya na bra?"

Carlisle smiled at Tyler and nodded his head. He turned to reassure Bella.

"I have no idea what he is saying but he knows his way around a vagina so..."

"YEAH BOY!" Tyler raised his hand for a hifive and when no one returned it he wiped his nose clean with his thumb. It was like a live taping of Rikki Lake.

"Um..._so,_" Carlisle continued "just lay back and let him do this '_thang_' as he calls it."

Bella tried to relax at Carlisles words as Tyler's face popped up between her legs.

"Now just sit back and relax baby. Let T-T-T-Tasty Tyler make your pussy micro-soft like windows vista!"

"What?"

"Anaesthesia time!" With that announcement he punched her in the face and she passed out.

--- --- ---

When Bella came to she felt many sensations. Aside from her throbbing head, she felt a thousand times lighter and a thousand times...just...cleaner. She looked down at her vag and saw that it was no longer mutated but instead completely restored to its former failglory.

"You like?" TokenTylerToken asked.

"I love!" she beamed.

"I waxed it into the shape of a heart, homes."

"Complete with arrow through it. Nice touch."

"I almost looks...sanitary." Carlisle added, coming out of the closet. The closet in his office that is....

"I really appreciate it guys. Thanks so much. Now finally I might be able to get me some fish fry!"

"Bella, I have to warn you," Daddy C started "we took a lot out of there. You really need to be careful."

"Like what?"

"Like some dentures, a deck of cards, a clown mask, a 'hugs not drugs' bumper sticker, three cans of Dr Pepper, an evil spawn child, a GPS system..."

"A WHAT?! A child?"

"Oh, that, yes Bella. I removed an evil spawn baby thing and threw it in the trash."

"You did what?!"

Bella ran her suddenly maternal ass over to the bin where a demonic, bronzed haired baby sat cooing its fug face off. She picked it up and held it in her arms.

"I only lost my v-card a few weeks ago. This child is a miracle of God. I AM THE VESSEL AND THIS IS THE SECOND COMING OF CHRIST!" She held the baby towards the heavens before pulling her back towards her bosom.

"I shall name you Nessfail and all will come to know and love thee."

Little Nessfail lifted her tiny hand towards her mother's cheek and a vision of Bella's beauty, filtered through the eyes of her daughter, flashed through her head. She freaked the fuck out and dropped Nesfail on the ground.

"IT'S **EVIL**. IT'S THE **SPAWN OF SATAN**. IT WANS TO READ MY SOUL. **DESTROY IT**!" she screamed as the child's head turned in a full circle and it started vomiting green pea soup.

Carlisle locked it in a cage.

"I will take it to the depths of the ocean and destroy it there."

"Whew!" Bella wiped her brow happily.

"So, anyway-no smex time for BellBell?" She pouted, running her hand up Daddy C's thigh.

"Oh, I had sex with you while you were asleep." Token said from over her shoulder.

"What?!"

"Anaesthesia time!" He answered, as the last thing she felt was his fist connecting with her face.

--- --- ---

**A/N****:** Ahhh this got rid of some pent up Bella rage from New Moon. Happy days :D


	15. Conquest Fifteen: Your Mother

Chapter Author: REINSPER

**A/N: This chapter takes place 6 months and 3 dead bodies later, after a chance encounter with a mystery man in a corner. ****This may or may not be an outtake.**

* * *

…has 7 KStew orgasms....and voms.

#Fin


End file.
